Technology and My Sons: Yes, You Can Raise Children Without Screens

In his latest essay, author Jon Haidt claims that finally, after decades of us raising the alarm about the screen-based childhood, Americans are ready to admit kids do best raised in real life rather than online.

Honestly, it’s about time. So much has been written on this topic, so much research done and shared, I find it difficult to imagine that any parent thinks putting an iPhone in their toddler’s hands or letting their 3 y.o. sit in front of the TV watching YouTube for hours or letting their 8 y.o. play Fortnight in the middle of the night, is a good idea.

I’ve heard the excuses, the biggest one being that it’s impossible to raise your children screen-free if the rest of the world isn’t doing it. That your children will hate you. Or another one I hear is that to delay their use of computers would be harmful to their chances as adults in a technologically advanced society.

To this I say, bunk.

It’s not that hard. Your children won’t hate you. Most of all, they don’t need training to USE technology, it’s intuitive to them. However, they do need an imagination to CREATE technology and when you plug them into a machine before they’ve wired up their own brains through movement, language, and their imaginations, you actually hurt their chances as adults to function in a technically advanced society. Who do you think rules the world, users or creators?

Let me introduce you to my sons. The eldest turned 26 today, my youngest will be 24 in a month. Both were raised on limited and gradual screen use. The eldest definitely had more screens ages 0-2 because like the good, modern woman I once was, I put him in daycare at 12 weeks of age and I’m pretty sure the caregiver sat the kids in front of the TV all day to manage them. She claimed she limited the screen time, but as I grew in awareness about what it takes to manage one infant much less five kids under the age of 4, I realized that there was no way in hell my baby wasn’t strapped in a bouncy seat all day digesting PBS programming. This is one of the greatest regrets of my life, but this isn’t an essay about the negatives of daycare. This is an essay about how I raised him once I decided to stay home when the second was born.

Because my toddler had already been exposed to TV, our screen use continued, but it became very limited. A single ½ hour show a day until the youngest was 2. Then it was an hour. Eventually, we added family movie nights when they were 4 & 6. I was pretty careful about content back then, but it really isn’t about what they watch so much as the reality of brain development during this time. An infant might have a brain, but 80% of it isn’t wired up. Life in the 3D world sets up the neural pathways of the brain. This is how we evolved to become the species we are today. Our sensory system is key and all five must be stimulated. Movement and speech are critical. Every moment spent in front of a screen is a minute when they’re not moving. When only two senses are being stimulated (sight and sound) and the rest dormant. When I first read this basic biological information about human brain development, I was shocked. It was both simple and daunting, yet I figured my job as a mother was to create an environment where their bodies and souls would be nourished. Screens were a moment of relaxation but could never be anything more.

Fortunately those early days were before 2007, when the iPhone came into being and upended childhood as we knew it. I realize I didn’t have to deal with that when they were little, but they were 6 and 8 when the iPhone released and it would have been easy to incorporate this new technology into our lives, but we didn’t. Instead, their childhood was filled with outdoor play, lots of stories (I told them the entire LOTR story by heart), blocks, building, science experiments, arts and crafts, and hikes/adventures with their grandparents.

I also took a much different approach than my peers to exposing my kids to the computer and the vast internet world behind it. We had one family computer, and it was in the family room. Once my boys could read and write, I allowed them to use the computer, but it counted as their one hour of screen time. In addition, they had to learn to code and type. They negotiated that this was okay, as long as that time didn’t count as their chosen screen time. Once they were in high school, they could use it for schoolwork as well. They didn’t have their own computers until they were 15 years old and even then, they had to build their PC themselves, however I paid for whatever configuration they wanted.

Why would I do this? Some think it’s because I’m a control freak who hates her sons and doesn’t understand them or their modern world, but in reality it’s the opposite. I’m a software engineer myself who spent her childhood days in the yard or the neighborhood playing with others, feeling the wind on my cheeks, making up games and ghost stories while tumbling and cartwheeling around my peers. I didn’t learn to program until I was 12 and still ended up an engineer. I figured if it worked for me, it would work for them.

The final frontier was the smartphone. My sons didn’t get them until they were 16 AND had 1) established excellent grades and study habits in high school, 2) had a job outside of the home, and 3) had their driver’s license. These are real world milestones that are crucial to adult success and so many kids don’t do them now, in part because they spend every moment their not in school on their phones or gaming rather than studying, learning to drive, and working in that beginning job. I know 21-year-olds who still have never worked a job!

The deal was this: you can’t get the phone until you’ve met these milestones. It's important to note that they weren’t allowed any gaming consoles either until they had met these milestones. In exchange, I promised to buy them any phone they wanted AND pay their cell phone bill until they’re 26. (Wait, the eldest turned 26 today, I guess we need to discuss that…) They agreed to this deal and never once did we fight about it. Just like the computer deal I’d brokered; I lived up to my side of things. My younger son just moved to LA and asked if he needed to set up his cell phone on his own. I told him no, I promised I’d pay till he was 26 and since he’d been so kind about it as a kid, I’m going to keep that promise. It’s the least I can do. I also didn’t get a smartphone until he did. Telling a kid he can’t have a smartphone while scrolling away on mine all day wouldn’t have encouraged harmony in the home. I was making them wait, so I would also wait. Besides, I adored my bubblegum pink Razor.

So, how did things end up? First, they love me very much. We all got along well and raising them was quite easy, especially through those teenaged years. They do not hate me for my strict rules about screens. They still had friends and weren’t tortured as the weird kids, even if they were the only ones in their class without a smartphone or gaming console.

Most interesting, their free-range childhood managed to produce two highly technical, young men making their way in the industry. The eldest is pursuing a PhD in Materials Science engineering, blowing up particles with lasers and studying their behavior under various conditions. The younger one just got a job at an AAA game design studio. Yes, you read correctly, my youngest son is now a video game designer.

A friend whom I think considered my childrearing a bit controlling suggested that this was my son’s way of getting back at me, but I think it’s the opposite. I never said video games were bad, I told him his brain development mattered more and given how addictive they were, they would be limited for as long as possible, until more of his frontal lobe development was complete. I gave him the data when he was younger, and he accepted it. This doesn’t mean he never played a video game, he did, but he never had access in his own home that was unmonitored and unlimited until he was 15. In the meantime, he often used his allotted screen time to watch Let’s Plays on YouTube or played Minecraft with friends and his brother. They still do this BTW, it’s quite sweet.

I’m pretty sure they now have WAY too much screen time, but I continue to remind them of their health, both mentally and physically. Smartphones are causing a mental health crisis* in all of us, not just our children, however in the case of children, there are two key windows to brain development: 0-3 and again in puberty. The research is very clear that during these times, what our children see, eat, touch, hear, and feel matters more than at any other time in our lives. It’s why we don’t give them cigarettes or alcohol during that time. Screens aren’t very different, and time will show this to be true.

In the meantime, I’m grateful that I was able to participate actively in their childhood. Limiting screens meant I had no choice but to create other activities to engage them. I don’t regret the hours we spent on the couch reading stories, or at the table playing games, or at the forest preserves exploring endless paths together. I’m proud of who they are now and excited to see what they create with those big, precious brains of theirs.

*I’ve said this many times to them, if you only read one essay of mine, it should be this: The Gods Are Crazy and So Are We. I wrote this is 2020 and it’s only more true than it was back then. In an attempt to care for my own brain, I no longer use social media for more than following up with friends IRL and sharing my latest essays with readers/friends.