I Live For the Applause
It isn’t every day that a dream comes true, but this week one of mine did. Since I can remember, I’ve been making up stories and sharing them with anyone who would listen. I dropped this hobby for a while, in order to pursue an adult life in tech, but after deciding to stay home and raise my boys, I picked it up again. At first, it was to satisfy my need for intelligent conversation, not with real people, but with the person inside of my head. Eventually it led to writing stories to tell my children. By 2010, it had evolved into full blown novels, and since then, I’ve written six of them, published two, and sold a trilogy. The sixth I’m currently editing and gearing up to pitch to my publisher.
I’ve also been blogging since 2013, and according to the directory on my computer, have written at least 82 different pieces. This work has led to podcast invitations, interviews, and speaking engagements. Yet this week, with the publication of Origins, I finally felt like this hobby of mine, this dream, had become real. And yet…
The writer’s life is full of uncertainty. It takes discipline to get those stories out of your head and onto the page. It takes courage to go through the grueling process of finding an agent. It also takes faith in your abilities and it was here that I made my first mistake in the business, settling for the first agent who read the first manuscript I’d ever written, and following his advice, even if it led to a “direct publishing” contract that put all the expenses, from editing to cover art, on me. While that experience did make me a better storyteller, my gut knew it was wrong, that I deserved a traditional publisher who wished to invest in me and my career, and when I found myself writing a new series, I broke ties with him and did what I should have done in the first place, setting out on my own to pursue the traditional route. It was the right thing to do. And yet…
Writing a novel is whirlwind, each day bringing new revelations and plot twists. Editing, preparing and pitching, isn’t as much fun. It’s downright painful, I’m going to admit it. There are so many reasons to reject our work—In the internet age, agents receive more submissions than they can possibly read, so the way into a traditional publishing contract is humbling, to say the least. To be a writer is to have your soul constantly critiqued by agents, publishers, editors, and readers. And yet…
The exhilaration of landing a contract with my current publisher was the reward for my persistence. The editorial guidance has been profound, even if it also hurts at times. Consider it, you land a contract, an acquisitions editor loves your work, and then she comes back with the big list of things that need to be changed. I had to rewrite the beginning and the end, remove every adverb, spend hours learning how to “show don’t tell”, and then address the weak emotional adjectives. After months of back and forth, we had a tight, well-paced story, ready to release into production. There were other highlights along the way, the day the cover was revealed, the day I received the interior to proof, the day the novel was available for pre-order. All of these milestones were worthy of celebration. Each one brought me closer to the reality of sniffing that book and holding it in my hands. And yet…
A writer needs two things; a story and readers. The story comes first, and while the act of storytelling is raw and vulnerable, there is nothing worse than a story untold. Ask any writer, it eats at them, tearing first at their heart, and eventually at their imagination. A story will not leave you once its taken hold. It must be written, and that is the thing that forces me to the computer every day. I’m miserable without my writer’s life. I must write, I must scribe. Not everything is meant to be shared, but everything is meant to be written. And yet…
Readers make the whole process magical. To share the story gives it life. Our characters long to be known and loved. And here is the greatest mystery of all, because while I’m grateful and excited beyond words to have published Origins this week, there’s something anticlimactic about it. Perhaps that’s the wrong word, but I’m also a dancer, and releasing a book to the world is nothing like putting on a show. Performing is a full-blown sensory experience. Standing backstage before your number, your heart races, sweat pours down your back. You rush out under the spotlight and in that moment and meld with the audience, becoming one with them. When the final note hits, people applaud. You feel the energy of the crowd, and there’s nothing like a full-house. The feedback is instant, and addicting, which is why you put yourself out there, time and time again. And yet…
Reading is a private thing, something we do alone, within our hearts and minds. A book is slowly digested, taken in. A good one will sit with you long after it’s done, and as a reader, you might never tell a single soul. There are those who love to write reviews, god bless them for they shall inherit the earth, but my #bookbirthday was nothing like a dance recital. There were no back stage jitters, no nervous energy released into the cosmos before a live audience. Instead, my novel, and the characters I love, were shared on the internet and some select bookstores. Rather than applause, there were tweets and Instagram stories. It’s thrilling to see my book in the hands of strangers, people who now know me, but whom I will never know. Unless they reach out, this experience will remain private, quiet, personal. Releasing a book is more like watching your children leave the nest—you really have no idea whether or not you did a decent job. And yet…
This moment is sweet. It is the realm of dreams. A novelist’s life grows with each story released, with each review written, with each Like, retweet and Instagram story. My characters live their lives through the intimate act of others reading their saga, their stories taking hold within a greater imagination than mine alone. It is a relationship, not of the senses, but between minds. I already have people asking me for book two.***
Isn’t that a dream come true?
***Book two, Blood and Chaos, is in the production queue, and should be in your hands next year.